Horatio's Skyrim Tales
by ServantOfTheSerpents
Summary: Horatio, a young Skeever, mysteriously gets dragged out of the sewers by a prison escapee. Along with his new-found friends, the rat must help protect Skyrim... in the most stupid way possible. You'll be choking with laughter! Rated T.


Chapter One

The runt of the litter, Horatio was always being pushed around like a piece of bad turkey at the end of Christmas. He always longed for adventure, but could never find a way out of the sewers that his family slowly festered in, and was unable to climb ladders or pick locks as he was a rat without thumbs. Fur ragged and, well, hairy, Horatio had tiny watery eyes much like those of a vole. For five years he'd been hidden in his battered drainpipe, attempting to write novels and dig for treasure; as you can imagine, he cannot write prose, and searching for loot is just useless in a sewer. One day, though, that all changed:

"I hope you rot, scum!" came a thickly accented, booming voice, as an old metal door slammed open, a thud was heard, and then the same metal door shut. As curious as he was, Horatio peeked through the metal grating into the prisoner's cell.  
>He had a human-like face, clothes tattered and worn. A painful-looking scar swelled on the right side of his face, and he had messy black hair. He looked rather cocky, as if being thrown in prison was just a challange; another obsticle to evade. Horatio, nudging the rusty bars of the grate, decided it would be safe to pay him a quick visit.<p>

As the prisoner noticed Horatio, he pulled out his fists, aware or the rat snuffling into his cell. Horatio tried to communicate but it just came out in squeaks. 'Moo!'  
>"Pfft, this place is gonna be easy to escape from." The prisoner lowered his fists. Reaching under his collar, the man took out a golden amulet with a small scarlet ruby embedded into the centre and strange runes engraved around it. He hooked it around the rat's neck, and suddenly...<br>"This place really smells!" gasped Horatio, "Lets get out of here!"  
>"Alright, I suppose." Murmured the Prisoner. "I never thought that worked..."<br>And so, Horatio nudged open the iron grate and hopped down into his old home.  
>A single, crystal tear dropped down his ratty face as he said he last goodbye before climbing the ladder to freedom:<br>"Peace out, bitches!" exclaimed Horatio.  
>And the trapdoor to the surface snapped shut with a menacing 'Pop!'<p>

Squinting in the daylight, Horatio stood for a while before being dragged off by the prisoner, who introduced himself as James.  
>"I have a sailor that owes me a debt," James explained. "She might be able to help you get out of this place. She can take us down to Riverwood."<br>They arrived at the White River. Jaw dropping, Horatio stared at the long red and white barge floating on the water's surface. It was painted with many colourful flowers, almost burning the rat's eyes out of their sockets. All of a sudden a young woman came out onto the deck.

"'Ello, guvner!" she cried excitedly. "Say, 'aven't I seen you before?"  
>She looked like she'd come straight from a shojo anime. Wearing a cliche sailor uniform with white shirt and trousers tied up with blue ribbons, she had hazel hair cut like what a boy would call long hair. She wore no shoes, and Horatio thought she was a bit of a retard. The three got onto the boat and started their adventure.<p>

"So guv's where ya wantin' to go?" The sailor asked with joy.  
>"Take us to Riverwood, and the debt will be settled," Grunted James. On the way there, the team heard a big sound on the poopdeck of the ship.<br>Horatio squealed like a monkey watching Justin Beiber, "What was that? I'm too filthy to die!"  
>Slowly, a dark figure covered in duckweed and dripping wet stumbled towards the trio, grunting and groaning.<br>On instinct, James panicked and threw a copy of 'Immortal Blood' at the figure.  
>The 'zombie' suddenly yelled "AAAAAH! Trashy books!" and threw itself off the side of the barge, leaving a strange green trail along the nice clean wooden floor.<p>

Unusually, the sailor started laughing. "Who knew you could kill a zombie with vampire books, eh, guvs? I'm Yeme, by the way." After a long period of time, they finally reached Riverwood and decided to settle in at the 'Dovak Inn'.  
>"Where did the sleeping giant inn go?" asked James.<br>"It kinda burnt to the ground in an accident I wasn't paid to do," Yeme smiled innocently. The inside was decorated with paintings of dragons, vampires, giants and all that mythical crap.  
>"Hello, I'm Elizabeth Brofranchester, would you like to stay the night?" sweetly smiled a young breton woman with neat, long, brown hair, a green bow tucked into the far left side of her fringe, a regal yellow dress and fur boots. "Only 2 gold coins each."<p>

"Sure!" Yeme exclaimed, saluting in pleasure.  
>"God help me," whispered Horatio.<br>Elizabeth nodded, handing James a pile of towels. "Have a nice stay."

Later that night, Horatio was woken by arguing from the pub downstairs. Tired and frustrated, the rat ventured down to investigate.  
>Loud music boomed from the stage at the far side of the room. Yeme sat giggling and swigging mead, and Horatio wondered if she was even old enough to be drinking alcohol. James and Elizabeth were serving behind the bar and a gathering of complete imbociles were dancing around everywhere. Horatio noticed that a young khajiit with a valuable staff in hand was hovering on the bar table. "Who is this?" stressed the rat.<br>"Adamska," replied the man in a thick British accent.

"I -hic- can't remember my name -hic-," Yeme said sloppily. "You douchebag! -hic-"  
>Horatio decided that it was pointless to stay here and that he would leave the drunk to be drunk and went back to bed.<p>

The next Wednesday morning, 


End file.
